The Difference
by anotherweasley
Summary: At the beginning of "Audrey Pauley," John thinks about Monica after she drives off unkissed:)


The Difference  
By: Olivia  
  
I should have kissed her, I thought as I turn to watch Monica drive down my street on her way home.  
  
I shake my head at my foolishness and walk up my stairs and into my house. I microwave a pizza, grab a beer, and head for my living room where I fall upon the couch. I turn on the television to watch the basketball game-Maryland versus Duke.   
  
This isn't working, I think as I take a bite of my pizza and a long sip of my beer. I thought the game would distract me, but I can't get my mind off Monica-the way she smiled shyly at me as she told me how dependable and faithful I was, how she was comfortable around me, how she couldn't see me ever disappointing anyone. Wow.  
  
I should have seen this coming. There was that time I brought her those Polish sausages as an apartment warming gift. The way she smiled at me as she wiped the mustard off the corner of my mouth. I felt it then. I felt the love she feels toward me then and later when I went into the kitchen and found her crying as she put her arms around my neck and hugged me close. She still has yet to explain to my satisfaction what caused her to cry like that. Even though she loves me, I highly doubt she was crying over me bringing her Polish sausages.  
  
But I just dismissed it. Thought maybe I was seeing what wasn't there. I guess I have ignored the signs because it was something I couldn't fathom. Why would she love me? She's so...I don't know...she's got this spark about her that just radiates with life and laughter and I'm so serious, so broken. She's the resident believer and I'm the resident skeptic. I just didn't think she'd ever see anything in me worth loving beyond friendship. I never really thought that this beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman would ever love me. But tonight she told me exactly the reasons why she loves even though she didn't come out directly and say that she loves me. I could feel it in her smile, see it in her eyes, and hear it in her voice and in her words. And all I could do was smile at her and tell her goodnight. I realized, at that moment, in that instant, that she loved me and I loved her.  
  
I take another long sip of my beer.  
  
I mean I knew I had always cared very deeply about Monica. We are talking about the woman who did everything in her power to find my son. She wanted to find him almost as much as I did. Knowing that she cared meant a lot to me. She's the one that held me tightly as I let it all out, as I cried when we found the body of my son. She's the one who helped me find Mulder, who moved all the way from New Orleans to help me on the X-Files. She's the one who's always got my back, the one I trust, the one who's faithful and dependable. Monica has never disappointed me.  
  
I've been so blind. I had subconsciously hidden away my feelings for Monica. I haven't had time to think about her because I'd been distracted by Dana. I was Dana's partner for a year and I was so focused on helping her and her baby, William, on making certain they were okay and safe, as I was unable to do for my own son, that I took Monica for granted. In trying to be for Dana what Monica was for me, I forgot about Monica. I didn't focus on Monica because she didn't need my help. But she needed my love and I haven't given it to her. I haven't let her know how much she means to me.  
  
The only difference between my feelings for Dana and Monica is that I care about Dana as a friend and I care about Monica the way a man cares about the woman he loves. It was the perfect moment-Monica and I sitting in that car, both feeling the exact same way, and I let the moment slip away. It was one of those moments where you either seize it or it slips away and perhaps never to come again. It was a defining moment in our relationship. The difference is that had I kissed her, she'd probably be here with me now and both of us would probably be a whole lot happier.  
  
Perhaps it's not too late to right a wrong, I think as I reach for the phone. But the phone is already ringing. I pick up the receiver. It's a man's voice. It's a voice I don't recognize and he is saying words that I cannot believe or comprehend.  
  
"Oh, God, no..." I manage to get out as my voice breaks. I may be too late.  
  
The End  
  
"Well, it seems to me, the best relationships, the ones that last are frequently rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at a person and see something more than the night before-like a switch has been flipped on somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with."-Scully-"The Rain King" 


End file.
